Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
