At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize