I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
