This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
