Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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