Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize