if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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