If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
