I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
