A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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