His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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