i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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