you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just pee around me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
