You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
birth control should be required to get into college
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
