thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
