i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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