and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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