GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
