I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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