and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
