mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize