Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
