Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Mom said you looked used
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
