If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
