my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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