Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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