I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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