thus making me awesome and them whores
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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