I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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