I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
