Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
