how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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