How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
