had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
