you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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