i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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