Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
