apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
