1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
