Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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