i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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