I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
