life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I will pee on everything he values.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
