Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
