I love black thongs
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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