I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
