I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize