my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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