I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
