ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
