I look better un-naked...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
