So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
