do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
