I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
